Some people thrive on small talk. They find it easy to share details of their lives with total strangers. They love the thought of attending a party and telling stories to brand new people. Then there are the rest of us. We despise small talk. Maybe we think it’s shallow and banal. Maybe we are introverts, and the thought of engaging in small talk feels us with dread. Or, maybe we just think it’s a waste of time.
What the rest of us fail to realize, though, is that small talk is the gateway to relationships. Think about it for a second, for every friend you have, didn’t you have to first engage in some sort of small talk to figure out you had something in common? Here are five ways to reduce your anxiety when going somewhere that will require you to engage in small talk.
Gain Knowledge
Before going to the event, find out who is likely to be there. Research who is sponsoring the event (e.g. individuals, charities, buisness interests). Discover why the event is being held (e.g. purely social, to celebrate an individual, charity). Figuring all of this out beforehand will give you the information you need to accomplish the next challenge.
Have Questions Prepared
Using the knowledge you have gained, develop three questions that you plan on asking strangers at the gathering. No direct questions allowed! Direct questions only call for a “yes” or “no” answer and are not conducive to triggering a full conversation. A few examples of direct questions are:
“How are you?”
“Nice day today, isn’t it?”
“Don’t you think this food is good?”
Instead, you want your questions to be open ended, allowing the stranger to give a more detailed answer. For example, ask about their interest in the business or charity. A question about how they know the host is a good opener at a social event. If an award is being given, ask how the honoree was determined. Encourage the other person to talk by listening and asking follow-up questions to get more information.
Talk About Yourself
I am a naturally shy person. The hardest thing for me is to talk about myself. My natural instinct is to continue asking questions of the other person so that I do not have to share personal information. This is counterproductive for at least a couple of reasons. First, a good conversation requires mutual sharing of information. Second, most people will not realize that I am shy, but instead will think I am stand-offish or conceited. Knowing this, I work to overcome my natural instincts by making a concious effort to share information. People generally remember stories you tell, not you in particular.
Be Positive
Being positive is a two-prong issue. First, being positive about the whole concept of small talk. It is easy to give in to negative thoughts such as “what a waste of time” or “I’m a terrible conversationalist.” If you enter the event with those thoughts in mind, they will most likely come true. Instead, repeat to yourself as you are entering the event that “this will be fun” and “the best way to meet people is to talk to them.”
The second prong is to be positive in your small talk. Be positive about yourself, the event and the person you are talking to. When the food is terrible, talk about the wonderful drinks. If the acceptance speech was way too long, talk about the nice introduction. When you want to go negative, stay positive. Others appreciate positivity and are more likely to interact with positive individuals.
Know how to Extricate From the Conversation
Small talk will eventually end. Most of the time it is mutually understood and the participants move on. Sometimes, though, ending the conversation needs a nudge. This can happen when the other party keeps talking about himself. Sometimes there is an uncomfortable, extended lull in the conversation. In these situations, it is good to know how to politely leave. One effective way is to tell the other person “I need to go talk to the host” (or anyone else for that matter). Or you can say “I need to get some food” (or go to the bathroom, etc.). Another effective way is to introduce someone to the other person and let them begin their own conversation. Then politely bow out.
Contact me for complimentary 30 minute session to work on improving your small talk skills!
Photo by kevin dooley on Foter.com / CC BY